A Letter

Letter to my family

I’m desperate and truth be told, I never imagined myself doing the things I have done.  I’m not like this because I want to be but I am desperately doing everything I can to not struggle as I do.  This appears to be my only solution - at least the only one I can imagine.  Part of me doesn’t want to change and the other part is disappearing amidst the terrible shame. I can’t crawl out. I won’t crawl out of this pit. I need to crawl out of this pit I’m in. The disappointment that I see on your face is tearing my heart out.  The words I hear you use tear at my soul.  The anger. The sadness.  It’s easier to just continue as I have been because I can’t face the shame and I can just turn everything off with one fix. I just need to use it one more time. I’m caught in an awful cycle.  I feel it, but I can’t really see it. I’m trying not to see it.  I’m up and down and trying, using all my resources to survive this thing with the only solution I see will work, except it doesn’t work. It never works, I keep trying. I give up. I hate myself.

I need your help. Please help me. Leave me alone. I don’t need your help. Go away. Help me.  Please

Letter to my loved one

Every morning I hold my breath till I hear any sign of life. I watch for your activity on Facebook, that line in Messenger showing Active, how many hours ago?  I pace. I kneel, praying to God for your safety. My world revolves around my senses saying you are ok,  always waiting to see, hear, smell, feel, or taste any sign of your existence.  And any good in my life rests on your existence.   I’m angry. I have made you the center of my life.  I wonder what I did wrong.  I wonder if there was anything good.  I feel lost in this journey.  Whatever this existence is feels like it fully depends on you. I feel it, but it is my drug and I can’t survive without it, without you. 

 My life revolves around how you are doing. If you are ok, then I am ok for the moment until you aren't ok.  It's a roller coaster and I feel it.  The constant rumbling of my stomach and  I'm up and down and trying, using all my resources to survive this thing with the only solution I see will work, except it doesn't work.  I have to find the solution.  I must let go.  They say I must surrender you to God.  But how?  I'll never let go. I need you to get help.  I need help. 

***the words from the first letter come from actual people that struggle with addiction and the second one from those that love someone that struggles with addiction. If you or someone you love are struggling with Addiction, there is hope. Reach out. Contact me at 210-386-3766 or Alisonbroussardintervention@gmail.com today.