My favorite quote
“Shame is a bully, and Grace is a shield.” Ann Voskamp
I love this quote and I wanted to share why.
I’ve been doing this work for a long time. Ive been working with families and the ones they love that experience addiction. I have also lived with addiction and mental illness myself. In all my years in the struggle and helping others, I have often wondered why it is so hard to get help, stay sober and live in recovery. One of the factors that I think largely contributes to the disease of addiction and mental illness and the inability to find recovery is shame. Stigma “a mark of disgrace,” according to The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition has played a role in so many areas of illness especially mental illness and addiction and the idea of stigma is steeped heavily in shame. There was a time we used to whisper about the “C-word” and Cancer was and still is very much thought to be shameful when we find it results from habits or unhealthy lifestyles. Don’t you think that if someone had the hindsight to prevent addiction or cancer from the beginning by choosing a perfectly healthy lifestyle, they would have? In the beginning, we are all invincible or so we think.
Some of us have grown up in a “shame” culture that didn’t start with us nor the generation before. Like most cycles, these things continue to be a part of our fabric until we strip the fabric of that very thread of shame and replace it with lovingkindness for all. We have all done things we wish we hadn’t or gotten stuck in something we never meant to get stuck in. Brene Brown, Ph.D. has spent years studying courage, shame, empathy, and has much to say about the topic of shame. She says, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change” and the very idea of recovery is dependent on a person’s ability to change or the belief that they can. Much of recovery is based on the idea that change is possible and often comes from a power greater than the individual. But shame prevents us from even thinking we are worthy of change.
There are a number of things that trigger shame and one contributing factor can be the lack of education around the disease. When we understand the disease of addiction better we are armed with truth and the truth is that addiction is caused by a number of factors and even experts in the field have not made a distinction on a singular cause of the disease. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine “Addiction is a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual's life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences”. Knowing this reminds us that those struggling with addiction or mental illness no more caused the disease or knowingly did something that caused the onset. No one starts out in life wanting to have this disease any more than someone that has cancer wants cancer. I have heard many say things like “they like living like that” or “well if that is the way they want to live their life” and I can’t imagine anyone struggling with addiction wanting to live like that. These schools of thought fuel the fire of shame and for those of us that love people who struggle it is in our best interest to get educated and do our own work to move out of the cycle of shame.
So how do we do that? How do we reduce or shield others from shame and all that it does to corrode our ability to get help and live the life we were intended? Well, the second part of this quote is my absolute favorite! “Grace is a shield” suggests the act of extending grace and being the shelter from such arrows of shame. I think grace is an action word. It would suggest that we approve and favor those that struggle, that we would extend mercy and a pardon. These are not easy things to embrace at first due to the destruction that the disease of addiction causes. Often, families have been hurt, lied to, and stolen from. So give yourself a bit of grace as you are learning. With addiction, there are often struggles regarding behaviors and trust issues that I am not suggesting you overlook. Active addiction often has the characteristics of changing the behaviors of your loved one. Boundaries are an incredible way for you to stay safe when your loved one is in active addiction. Boundaries are for the purpose of protecting one’s self and are needed to live life in any relationship with others. Brene Brown, Ph.D. says that “boundaries are kind because they allow us to live without resentment.” When we have clear boundaries that define what is ok and what is not, we have set up a safe space for others to be in a relationship with us. When we don’t set boundaries and we let people do things that aren’t ok it can lead us to resentment. Boundaries breed grace. And grace is the shield and the protection from shame.
One thing I have learned is that we won’t fix all the issues here and now. But it can begin here. Love and compassion and our capacity for these things are infinite. You are only getting started. Even if you have been at this for a while, you are only getting started. We all have much to learn and new ways to grow in love and compassion for others. I hope this stirs you to move in a new direction or to go a little deeper. The answers are out there if you want them. So go and get after it. The world needs your grace. Godspeed.